Introduction to an Ecosystem of sexual empowerment
We have a complex relationship with our own sexuality, which too often becomes a hidden secret, a taboo topic we feel individual and collective guilt, shame, and misunderstanding around.
It’s my conviction that sex and our relationship with it as individuals and as a society mirror our relationship with the ecosystems we emerged from and live within.
This may sound strange to you at first, but I deeply believe that by transforming our relationship with sex, we can and will transform our approach to many of the issues we are facing today, such as climate change, soaring numbers of depressed people, highest divorce rates in decades and more.
All of these issues, as diverse as they might be, all stem from one core – our disconnection from the ecosystems we emerged from.
When we experience ourselves as individuals, separated from each other and from the world, is it really that surprising we hurt each other?
Is it really that surprising we are so bad at relating? Destroying the earth we inhabit so carelessly?
Sexual empowerment is not just about sexual pleasure
Unimaginable pleasure and deeply satisfying sex are only byproducts of the kind of life and attitude of someone who’s sexually empowered.
Sexual empowerment is about discovering your truest, most authentic voice and cultivating a deeper understanding of yourself through relating with another.
It’s about discovering who we are as brilliant evolutionary emergent phenomena, reimagining our relationship with life, and as a result, developing an ability to choose and be intentional about the most authentic life we can lead.
It is using our sexual and relational experiences to rediscover our inherent interconnectedness to others and to all things.
So how should you go about it?
Obviously, there’s a lot to get into when it comes to sexual empowerment; in fact, my entire body of work is about it (stay tuned for a book!).
But here, I gathered a few leading principles that you could immediately apply and will help you navigate your sexual empowerment journey with more clarity.
“Casual sex” is not sexual empowerment.
Many confuse sexual freedom and empowerment with seeing sex more casually when in reality, sexual inion is the furthest thing from “casual” one can imagine.
When we open ourselves up sexually to another, we engage in a multi-faceted complex interaction of physical, emotional, and spiritual interactions.
We regulate each other nervous systems, influence each other’s gene expression, and can have a profound impact o each other’s sexual health.
That, on the other hand, doesn’t mean we need to keep holding shame around sexuality and keep it taboo and in hiding; on the contrary, it means approaching our sexuality and connections with the reverence, respect, and appreciation they deserve.
Being sexually liberated means being true to your erotic authenticity while taking into account the aliveness of others.
Female sexual empowerment
Even though what’s written in this article will is for all humans, men and women from all genders and sexual orientations, I think it’s worth dedicating a few paragraphs specifically to women’s sexual empowerment.
Unfortunately, in our culture, the majority of sexual harassment, sexual trauma, sexual abuse, sexual violence, and sexual assault as all still directed toward women.
This is something that, as men, we will never fully understand on an embodied level, but we can very much support and assist by simply becoming more aware and intentional about the way we connect and communicate sexually with women in our lives.
I believe that the sexual revolution will come through women becoming more sexually empowered, gaining more bodily autonomy, and rediscovering their sexual power.
In my experience, simple acknowledgment can go a long way
Sexual empowerment principle 1: Return to Your Body
We live in a disembodied society. We experience our reality and each other through the lenses of screens and over-intellectualization of our feelings and sense experience.
Becoming sexually empowered starts with reconnecting with the deep, authentic, primordial sensory experience, our feeling about and with the world.
Then trusting that deep intuition to guide us.
The Body as an Expressive Tool
Ask anyone who has every experienced a genuinely remarkable sexual experience with someone and they will tell you that what was so special about it was not the amount or intensity of orgasms,
But the level at which that lover was able to be intuitive and present in their body with them.
Our bodies are oceans of evolutionary wisdom that constantly communicate through intuitive feelings and sensations—directing us forward with clarity when we are ready to listen.
They serve as a biological compass, guiding us not only in our sexual journeys but also through life’s multiple dimensions.
Embracing our bodies in their entirety can enlighten us about our deepest desires and most profound fears, leading to holistic sexual empowerment.
Differentiating Raw Sensations from Narratives
A crucial step in embodying our experiences is distinguishing raw sensations from narratives.
Unlike what we grew to believe, the narrative we hold about reality comes second to our immediate felt sensation.
When you start honoring and trusting your bodily response over the storied attached to them, be it a pleasurable or uncomfortable sensation,
it can help you navigate any sexual, emotional, or relational situation gracefully and in a way that amplifies depth, intimacy, and pleasure.
Here are a few examples:
Sexual Performance as a Tool of becoming sexually empowered
Let’s say you are experiencing any of the common sexual performance issues such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, pain during penetration, sexual anxiety, etc.
These experiences may involve other sensations and feelings such as tightness of muscles, shortness of breath, tingling in your stomach, pressure in the chest, etc.
These are all bodily responses and sensations.
Now notice the examples of intellectualized stories you may have attached to these bodily experiences:
“I’m bad at sex,” “My partner will leave me if I don’t perform,” “I am broken,” etc. See the difference?
Realize that any story, no matter how convincing your mind can come up with, is merely an approximation to something much deeper, authentic, and true that your body is trying to signal you.
Trusting Your Body’s Intelligence
What is it exactly will differ based on who you are, your relationship with life, your partner, yourself, your sex, and your body,
But I promise you, when you learn to listen, your entire life experience will transform.
Reconnecting with our bodies involves understanding and trusting our innate bodily intelligence.
Instead of seeing your living experience as a set of problems that needs solving, you’ll start celebrating, honoring, and embracing every experience as a vehicle for growth and evolution,
calling you to get closer to yourself and your authentic expression, sexually and in all other ways.
Sexual empowerment principle 2: Embrace Vulnerability
Vulnerability is the act of not only recognizing our deep feelings and bodily intuition but learning how to communicate them to another.
Many people, especially men in our culture, associate vulnerability with weakness, particularly within traditionally masculine norms.
This cannot be further from observable truth.
The idea that there can be truly empowering sex and relationships without vulnerability is a pornographic illusion.
Not only is vulnerability not a sign of weakness but a testament to our courage and sexual empowerment.
The courage to face our fear of rejection and internalized shame and open up and express our authentic feelings and needs.
A human who is not vulnerable is a human who has a sense of worth and value attached to other people’s approval and arbitrary societal standards of success.
An Ecology of Vulnerability
I believe that anything that’s true can be directly observed in nature and directly experienced by anyone. So is vulnerability.
Nature, everything in this kosmos only exists in relationships. Nothing has a center in which its separates and individual from everything else.
The evolutionary unfolding is made out of an infinite web of relationships.
Many more unsuccessful relationships that had died or dissolved back to their physics had to happen for the set of successful relationships that we can see (and are made of) to exist.
In other words, many elements, on every level, the physical or biological level, had to try to connect with other elements to vulnerably open themselves up to death in order for the process to keep unfolding.
Out human relations are only a microcosm of that unfolding; being in relationships means opening ourselves up to potentially get hurt or for things to not go our way,
For us to discover our authentic expression and eventually build thriving connections.
Vulnerability in Connection
Every relationship, be it personal, professional, or sexual, thrives on vulnerability. When we expose our fears, shame, desires, needs, and insecurities, we create a platform for genuine connections.
Embracing our vulnerabilities allows us to dissolve our masks, leading to authentic growth and mutual discovery.
Expressing vulnerability is an essential part of our existence. Whether we voice our need for closeness, space, love, or recognition, expressing our vulnerabilities can positively impact every facet of our lives. It opens channels for honest communication and genuine connections, enhancing our overall life quality.
Sexual empowerment principle 3: Playfulness
Becoming more embodied and embracing vulnerability is powerful; cultivating an open, playful attitude toward the entire spectrum of human experiences is what will take your [sex] life to a whole new level of the game.
Whether it’s fear, joy, pain, pleasure, or any other emotional experience, these are all evolutionary tools meant for you to utilize to create more aliveness.
This open-minded perspective encourages exploration and discovery, essential elements of personal and sexual empowerment.
Playfulness as a Catalyst for sexual empowerment
True sexual bliss is not about having a particular experience and having everything unfold in some arbitrary “perfect” way,
Sexual bliss is about exploration and discovery. We connect with each other to discover who we are more authentically.
Your ability to embrace any experience that may come up for you or your partner(s) during sexual intimacy, regardless of your expectations- is the key to becoming truly unforgettable lover.
Erotic creativity – sexual desires as a navigation tool
Sexual stagnation results from building a pattern of sexual expression and sticking to it without innovation.
Truly great sex thrives on constant creative expression; you can know someone for years and still have a completely new experience every time you connect sexually.
When you approach any moment, any physical or emotional experience, and any mood with curiosity, you open yourself up to the mystery that wants to unfold.
Approach every lover and every session with each over as if you are doing it for the first time; learn to listen deeply and allow things to unfold naturally.
Sex is an art of deep listening and intuition, not performance.
What is this moment asking for? intuitive sexual empowerment
Instead of sticking to what you think works or your expectation of what should happen sexually, ask yourself, “What is this moment asking for”?
A good place to start is, of course, through the deep listening of your body as well as the vulnerable willingness to share we explored above.
Once you get a sense of this moment in your body, in your partner’s body – whatever the mood, use it for your sexual play.
Openness, closeness, tightness, or separation. Ease and happiness, anxiety or fear, sadness, and grief or joy and ecstasy – all are expressions of aliveness for you to play with.
All can be transmuted into erotic art, just like any of your sexual desires. How exactly? This is for you to play with and find out in your own unique way!
Conclusion: A sexually empowered Future
Becoming sexually empowered is a lifetime journey that fosters awareness, vulnerability, playfulness, self-love, and effective communication.
As we navigate this path, we have an opportunity to redefine our relationships with ourselves and others, transforming our intimate experiences and enriching our lives.
As we step forward, let’s carry these guiding principles, open ourselves to new experiences, and create an empowered sexual future filled with authenticity, joy, and profound connections.
Remember, the path to sexual empowerment is not a destination but an ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth.
As always, if you want to go much deeper into this profound and life-changing work, you can apply to 1:1 mentorship with me, check out one of my video courses, and join my free community, “the sensual saloon.”