Today we are going to talk about sexual and erotic polarity, what sexual polarity is, what sexual polarity definitely isn’t, and a few practical ways in which you can embody more polarity in your own sexuality, to have the most fun, experience the most depth, and give and receive incredible amounts of pleasure.
Due note that what I’m expressing here, especially my rather harsh criticism of contemporary polarity teachers, are my personal interpretations based on my own lived experiences and my work with hundreds of people on the topic but is not by any means the only or an ultimate understanding of polarity.
What sexual polarity isn’t
I want to start with what sexual polarity is not because I feel like it’s one of the most misunderstood concepts in the new-age spiritual sex community.
If you go online, if you go on any of the social media or search Google for sexual polarity, you’ll probably come up with all kinds of results that all have to do with “feminine energy” and “masculine energy” in some way, shape, or form.
The polarity gurus out there will all tell you their own idea of how you should “be more in your masculine” or “be more in your feminine.”
They will go on and on talking about concepts like “Divine” or “awakened” masculine/feminine and give you some arbitrary road map or how you should express yourself in a relationship based on your gender and sexual identity.
Let me be brutally honest here; It’s all fu*king dumb. It’s all a bunch of word salads and an incoherent pile of garb that, on a good day, will be impossible to generalize a piece of actual advice from and, on a bad day, will be harmful to most people or relational situations.
There is no such thing as “feminine energy.”
Usually, when these “polarity teachers” will try to explain to you what
“feminine energy” or “feminine sexual essence energy is, they will come up with things like softness, surrender, and being loving.
This is idiotic not only because those are all simply human traits that should be available, experienced, and expressed by all but also because what exactly makes these more or less feminine than anything else? And what do they mean exactly?
On top of that, whatever version of these very arbitrary concepts a particular teacher is trying to convey, all he can do is share his it her own set of preferences rather them a clearly defined piece of advice that can be generalized to an audience.
There is no such thing as “masculine energy.”
And don’t even get me started on the masculine polarity and “masculine sexual essence,” usually attached to some form of stoic, grounded presence that is supposed to “lead the feminine” and hold space for her to surrender to.
At this point in time, we cannot detach these archetypes from their social gender roles, and when we talk about sexual attraction and relating from this perspective, we do nothing more than keep people stuck to our made-up roles.
Any man, woman, or human from any orientation or gender identity can and should choose to express themselves as a spectrum.
To experience the full range of being a human rather than some arbitrarily defined made-up structure of what society or a polarity coach thinks they should be.
The human experience is a spectrum
There are a number of reasons for my utter destain to polarity gurus and their teachings, all of which I am sharing at length in my membership. Today, for the sake of staying on topic, understand that the range of possibilities in human expression is an infinite, non-binary spectrum.
Being human and the particular flavor of your unique erotic art cannot be defined by any arbitrary idea of how you should or shouldn’t behave.
You can observe this on every level imaginable, from biology and genetics to neuroscience, philosophy, history, and anthropologically; you will always come to the conclusion that human beings are far more multidimensional and complex than we thought.
If we really want to empower people to have the most satisfying sexual intimacy, Instead of telling people how to be a “masculine man” or how to have “more feminine energy,” we should instead explore how sexual energy and sexual polarity can be expressed in a way that’s authentic to them based on their unique sexual essence.
What is sexual polarity? (at least according to me)
So what sexual polarity or erotic polarity actually is? Well, at least my definition of the art of erotic polarity is looking at human expression as an infinite spectrum of potential expressions in which we can bring about a particular contracted specific expression in any given moment based on what the moment is asking for.
So, in essence, the art of sexual polarity is cultivating the awareness, presence, and skillful ability to listen to the inherent erotic aliveness, joy, and curiosity that exists in each moment in your or your partner’s body; and use them to navigate any erotic or sexual situation in a way that amplifies erotic aliveness and love.
Erotic aliveness is what happens when two (or more) elements meet.
When sub-particles meet, they create an atom which is a new form of erotic aliveness or life force; when molecules meet to create a cell, or when the rain meets the earth and fertilizes it, or when two humans meet in sexual union, they are all relationships that create aliveness.
That force of erotic aliveness that permeates through existence and pushes things to connect with each other erotically to create more life is the same life force that flows through your body and propels you to go and seek sexual, erotic, and intimate partners.
Sexual polarity is listening to your core.
There is an inner, intuitive, creative force that runs through your veins and moves you to express yourself in the world.
Learning to listen to that creative voice is not something new that you learn but rediscovering something you have forgotten.
Your inner intuition, your inner liberated erotic artist, has been covered by layers of social conditioning, parenting, and an education system that tried to tame your wilderness and mold you into “somebody.” All while that core of playful, childlike erotic aliveness is the most inherent thing in you.
And so when it comes to the art of erotic, the art of polarity is the ability to connect to that intuition in every sexual erotic moment and allow that to navigate you.
Sometimes you listen to the moment’s erotic aliveness, and what wants to come through is a very soft and tender Lovemaking.
Other times the most erotically authentic thing will be pressing your partners against the wall and ravishing them open.
The art of sexual polarity is not about strictly defined arbitrary concepts of how you should behave in a relationship dynamic, who should lead, and who should be led.
But more about expanding your capacity to listen to the moment, to listen to the erotic aliveness that is being created by connecting with another human being to listen to the inherent current of your joy.
The same principles apply to any other aspect of your life. What happens when you stop doing things because you should and start following your inner core of joyful playfulness? Try it out and see.
Eroticism and sexual polarity thrive in newness and mystery.
You may have noticed that sometimes in long-term relationships, if we don’t intentionally and consciously work on it, we can get very close, in love and enmeshed with each other’s life, and nervous system, yet, something in the erotic aliveness dies.
The reason for that is that we stopped listening to our own unique current of creative aliveness and instead got lost in the other and the relationship.
Eroticism and sexual desire thrive on newness, creativity, vanity, innovation, and mystery. If we get into a relationship and we don’t intentionally work on keeping the polarity and eroticism alive by introducing newness, adventure, excitement, and mystery, the passion will die out.
A lack of polarity is an invitation back to aliveness.
When you notice the fire of sexual desire becoming a bit dimmed in your relationship and sex, it is your invitation.
This an invitation to come back to listening to what the moment wants, to what flavor of Eros, aliveness, and creativity wants to be created through you.
This return to your core stream of joy will serve every aspect of your life, not just in your ability to create phenomenally pleasurable, deeply intimate, and satisfying sexual connections.
Sexual Polarity in power dynamics
One way to reignite polarity or invite polarity into your sexual erotic connection, Is to consciously play with some form of a power imbalance.
Here are a few ways to incorporate it into your sex life:
- Role play: You can play roles with your partner, such as a sexy masseuse and a massage receiver, a teacher and a student, and things of that nature.
- Sexual alter ego: You can play your sexual alter egos, and invent entire personalities and ways in which you can express yourself in the bedroom.
- Sub/Dom dynamic: A great way to invite wild polarity into your sex life is by exploring the vast world of kink and BDSM and the variety of dominant/ Submissive dynamics it offers.
- Take your partner on a sexy adventure: Take a proactive role by inviting your partner on a sexual adventure. Get tuned with your inner playful curiosity, listen to what form of erotic aliveness is wanting to be created, and invite your partner on an adventure.
This can be anything from going to have sex in nature somewhere secluded, trying a new toy, or any other form of newness. This is your time to let your creativity shine!
Turning conflict into sexual polarity
Another very powerful way to use sexual polarity in your relationship is learning to use conflict in your relationship to thrive erotically by sublimating the conflict and emotional tension into eros, aliveness, and sexual desire.
A disclaimer: This practice requires a lot of nuance and subtlety, so if you are currently going through the midst of your trauma response to a trigger, it’s probably not a good idea to play with this practice.
But in case the conflict is at a level where you can still communicate with each other in a meaningful way and seek closeness even though it’s difficult, remember that conflict is tension, and tension is erotic tension.
When you realize that you can embrace whatever emotional experiences you or your partner are having in any particular moment, hold the space with your conscious awareness and let it move you together into more depth and sexual bliss.
Turn anger into ravishment
Let’s say you feel pissed off that your partner didn’t clean the dishes; oftentimes, it’s necessary to have deep and honest conversations about it in a therapeutic way, and that is a wonderful thing.
But if you want to be more artistic about it, sometimes you can take the anger that you feel and turn it into erotic aliveness by (for example) grabbing your partner close to you, growling in their ear, telling them that you want to fuck their brains out and go ahead to ravishing them in whichever way feels mutually empowering at that moment.
Something that many can resonate with is you walk with your partner and you notice looking at someone attractive.
At that moment, you can shut down, hold it inside, shove it down, feel shame, feel guilt because you don’t wanna be controlling or because you feel insecure.
Or you can take a deep breath, grab your partner super close to you and say, “You are mine,” while looking them deep in the eyes and lovingly holding them close.
In this way, you turned emotional intensity into erotic aliveness because you embraced it and played with it instead of looking at certain emotional experiences as “bad” or unworthy of having.
Turn shame into vulnerability
Vulnerability is how evolution unfolds. In order for things to come together in erotic union, transform each other, and create more complex relationships that further the evolutionary process, they have to touch each other fully and merge.
What is that, if not vulnerability? The option to get hurt? The willingness to be deeply touched and seen?
When you catch yourself in a moment of shame, instead of shutting down, you can open up with your partner and turn that shame into a moment of beautiful vulnerability that will take your relationship in that particular sexual interaction into unparalleled levels of depth.
Unlike what most “polarity teachers” tell you, sexual polarity has nothing to do with your gender, sexual orientation, or some arbitrary and subjective framework of “feminine energy” or “masculine energy.”
Polarity It is all about cultivating an ever-deepening intimacy with the erotic aliveness in you and in every moment of life. When we commit to that playful process, we naturally and in our own unique way, invite more curiosity, sexual tension, and juicy pleasure into every aspect of our life and relationships.